Angst, etc.

This blog has been giving me angst lately.

Granted, as a full-blooded German Lutheran, I thrive on angst.

(Don't do that. No jokes. Or at least be funnier. )

See, I've been wanting to blog more lately. I don't know if it's a desire to write, a desire to express... who the hell am I kidding, it's because I just don't have anyone to talk to. I know that sounds sad and maybe it is sad - it sure as hell feels sad - but I'm not trying to elicit sympathy, just state a fact. I've never been especially popular and simply don't have many friends. And the ones I do have all have someone else. Not other friends. Boyfriends. Or husbands. Or wives. Some have children. And I don't. And I never have.

I mean, my God, the only person that I can completely count on is my shrink. Isn't that pathetic? That I have to pay someone to trust? And I can't exactly call him up whenever I need to hear a friendly voice. He has other patients and a life of his own. But where does that leave me?

I've been making more friends online lately, but none of them live anywhere near me and it just takes so long to break in someone new. The narcissism, the mood swings, the never-ending identity crises, the constant angst, the sarcasm, the insecurity - my God, the insecurity... I am not an easy pill to swallow and I constantly marvel at the tenacity of the people who put up with all my bullshit.

So why is my blog giving me angst - right. The point.

I had a different blog that I kept up pretty regularly for a couple of years. It started as a movie blog and as I became braver, it became more personal. I liked having the outlet. Only a few of my friends knew about it and it wasn't on a website known for blogging so I was able to maintain a modicum of anonymity. I'd kind of like to start that kind of blogging again and just sort of distance myself from it as the known contributor. But the url has been in my signature for ages - one of my initial goals for starting this blog was to develop some (undefined) stuff under my own name. And if I'm going to write very personally, I don't want people knowing who I am.

Because they judge you.

And because I want to write about people I know with the freedom of not worrying about hurting anyone's feelings.

And I'd like to add sex, which should be kept private anyway. (Not out of shame or prudence. It's just tacky.)

I probably shouldn't even post this, but what the hell. I've said all this to Paul already and I would say it to Annika and I'm pretty sure those are the only two reading.

I'm trying to throw a lyric in here. It just seems like it's needed. Usually when I'm all muddled like this, my unconscious develops its own soundtrack and starts throwing songs at me, but nothing's coming at the moment.

Fuck.