Inland Empire

The movie: Inland Empire

The director: David Lynch

The year: 2006

The cast: Laura Dern, Jeremy Irons, Justin Theroux

The confession I made to my friend Paul afterwards: "I think I lasted about an hour. After that, I didn't know who anybody was, what was going on, or why it took three hours to get there. Actually, I think it was more like 45 minutes. I only said 'an hour' to give myself more credit."

The first 45 minutes of the plot: Dern and Theroux are making a movie directed by Irons. It's a remake of something that never was finished because the leads were both murdered. And a strange German woman just moved into Dern's neighborhood. Julia Ormand watches human-sized rabbits dressed in people clothes on TV. Harry Dean Stanton, the AD, is broke and shamelessly borrows money from everyone in the cast. That covers the first 45 minutes.

The Point: um...it had Laura Dern? Does that count? And Justin Theroux and Jeremy Irons are both pretty hot. And it looked cool. But what the hell was up with those rabbits?

The score: 5.5/10

Why a 5.5 for something so baffling? I want to give Lynch the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure he thinks the movie makes sense. And maybe I will, too, someday. And it had Laura Dern. And Justin Theroux and Jeremy Irons are both pretty hot. And it looked cool. And I'd rather sit through Inland Empire two or three more times before a Date Movie/Epic Movie double feature.